Hi, I’m Tiziana. I’m a blogger, an introvert and a socially awkward girl.
By introvert, I mean that I can enjoy a limited amount of time in a small group of close friends but that I derive most of my energy and satisfaction while on my own.
By socially awkward, I mean that, despite my best efforts at mingling with people, most of the time I feel clueless about socialising, and I often end up feeling uncomfortable or frustrated – both at others’ social expectations and at myself for not meeting those expectations. (By the way, being socially awkward differs from person to person, and in my case, I’m not talking about social anxiety, which is much more severe.)
The Internet is a helpful tool for shy persons who wish to communicate more but find it difficult to do so in face-to-face situations. And blogging, I’m sure many of you will agree, is a wonderful means for us bloggers to express ourselves in a way in which we can’t always do in the offline world. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that all our insecurities are wiped away as soon as we turn into our blogging persona.
Today I want to move slightly away from the positivity of my last blogging-themed posts, and instead, I will explore my fears and the ways my real-life awkwardness infiltrates my blogging process. It’s an entirely subjective and personal point of view (it’s so personal that for the first time, I’ve put my awkward self in the cover photo!) and therefore I feel like I’m confessing to you readers.
Here it goes!
5 Confessions of a Socially Awkward Blogger
Confession #1: Behind each post, there are hours of insecure writing and unsatisfying editing.
I’ve already written a lot about this, since my first blogging-themed post, so I don’t need to add too much. On my notebook, each post that I plan looks cool, and I’m always thinking “This post is going to be awesome!”, but when I’m writing, I freeze. Literally, I freeze at every couple of sentences, thus tripling my production time. And during editing? I almost cry tears of blood because the final product is never, ever completely satisfying to me.
So when I hit Publish, I feel more ugh rather than yay. Eventually, it wears away and, with time, it’s getting better. However, I can’t get rid of this feeling entirely while writing and the thought of it often haunts me days after publishing. It’s like when I go to bed, and the second my head hits the pillow, I remember something stupid I’ve said in a conversation four days before.
Confession #2: I hide my insecurity behind my ‘rambleness’.
‘Rambleness’… is that even a word? #awkward When I was choosing my blog’s name, I was wise enough to choose ‘rambles’ sort of to warn readers that I tend to ramble on and on (I’m feeling like I’m doing it right now too?). That doesn’t always mean that I’m confident in what I’m saying. It means that I’m hoping that somewhere in the midst of all the rambling, there’s something which makes sense and that makes the blog post worthwhile.
I often regret my ‘rambling’ quality; I just wish I could say the same thing but more concisely and in a cooler way. It’s like one of those dreaded awkward silences in a conversation, which I like to destroy by saying something inappropriate or that I regret 2.5 seconds later.
Confession #3: I beg you to (not) read and comment my post.
We bloggers obviously want our posts to be read, liked and commented by many readers, right? Right, I want that too. But I also don’t want it, or rather, I’m scared shitless of it. It all goes back to my usual insecurity at the time of writing and posting. The consequence of this insecurity is the fear of judgement from other bloggers/readers and the lack of trust in the lovely comments I receive.
Sometimes, my blogging reminds me of the times when I want to appear like a normal social person but without engaging in small talk (yeah right, like that’s even possible).
Confession #4: That comment on your blog? It took me a longer time to write than you think.
I still feel awkward when I want to leave a comment on a blog, whether it’s one I read regularly or a new one I’ve stumbled upon. I wish I could easily write a nice, interesting comment that catches the blogger’s attention but the truth is that it takes some extra minutes of composing and checking before I hit Send and the final comment always sounds boring (and rambling) to me. It also doesn’t help me when bloggers don’t reply back or respond in a way that sounds lukewarm to me.
It’s a lot like when I’m witnessing a group conversation, wanting to butt in with a witty comment, but cannot because I’m psychologically blocked (or worse: I say something which is promptly ignored). I’m trying my best to improve.
Confession #5: I want to be part of a community, but I’m not sure I fit anywhere.
I like writing about books, but I don’t consider myself a book blogger. I write about my travels, but it’s not enough to be called a travel blogger. I’m interested in writing, but I don’t do creative writing. I write reviews, but I’m more than just a reviewer. The variety of my blog’s topics sometimes makes it a little harder to find similar bloggers. It’s also quite tough to join an already established blogging community and, to complicate things more, every blogger seems miles ahead of me in terms of quality.
It’s like when I’m standing at the margins of a confident, talkative group of people, or even when I am conversing with acquaintances, and feeling like I can’t completely relate to any one of them. However, instead of feeling like a weirdo, I try to appreciate my uniqueness and hope that someone else can understand it as well.
You think this awkwardness will deter me from blogging? Nope!
In real-life social situations, I don’t feel any pain; I just feel some slight discomfort and frustration, depending on the circumstances, which I’m learning to overcome by being happy with how I am. I try to not give importance to what people might think, only to the direct reactions I receive, and in the end, I’m only pleased to limit my social interactions to a few meaningful ones while leaving out the negative ones.
In blogging, I want to do the same. Despite my insecurities, I am overall happy with the blog I’m building, and that will eventually make me more confident when interacting with others. And after all, I am ready to embrace my blogger persona as much as my whole self, and why not, I want to embrace my awkwardness too because it’s part of who I am.